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Posted in Great Films, Idiots with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2008 by Tweak Jones

David Icke entry from Uncyclopedia

Posted in Idiots with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2008 by Tweak Jones

David Icke

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This article is too close to the TRUTH!
Citizens should begin to feel uneasy now, otherwise report for therapy.
See more about Fnord.

David Godzilla Icke, to whom evidence is nothing more than a foreign word, is a well respected former footballer, member of the Green Party, philosopher and award-winning stunt skateboarder whose widely-accepted theories have enlightened mankind to throw off the shackles placed on us by our shapeshifting reptilian overlords. It is noted that his name, appearance and beliefs bear more than a passing resemblance to David Duke. Also a closet Joo.

David Icke should not be confused with The Real David Icke.

What David Icke really does look like? - Nobody knows. Maybe he doesn't exist.

What David Icke really does look like? – Nobody knows. Maybe he doesn’t exist.



[edit] The Man: The Genius, The Schmenius, The Shitfaced Cockamaster

[edit] Biography

David Icke
David Icke. What must be said, what can be omitted?
David Icke

Born at 6:15 PM on April 29th, 1952, in Leicester, England. Desperately poor, quit school to become a soccer player. Washed out of soccer due to frailty, sexual inadequacy and inability to take the ‘punishment’. Blames it on bad knees. “Mad Davey” as he is affectionately known to fans, then embarked on a serries of careers: tv presenter, politician, green hippy, author, model for turquoise clothes, laughing stock and eventually new age guru.

  • Father: fake moustache salesman, not very successful. A self-hating half reptile in denial.
  • Mother: only lesbian walrus in Leicester to become pregnant without a turkey baster. Also, his father’s niece.
  • Twin brother: eaten alive by David before birth.

What cannot be left unsaid about David Icke?

Prophet Icke channeling a Higher Power. (Bad image, will try to upload again later--OEJ.)

Prophet Icke channeling a Higher Power. (Bad image, will try to upload again later–OEJ.)

His own words: “As I looked at the mound, a voice in my head began to say: ‘Come to me, come to me, come to me.'”

More of it: “Only by breaking free from the shackles of {sanity} could I now be going around the world talking about shape-shifting reptilians occupying the positions of global power.”

Monumentally abused: “I have taken 20 years of monumental abuse and misrepresentation on a scale that few have ever experienced. So what is said about me by anonymous goons on websites is like a fly on an elephant’s back – irrelevant to me. But if others who are targets of this vicious abuse want to take legal action in response, that is entirely up to them.”

Voices in the head, mistaken for reality and then mixed into a dreadful skakny porridge of calumny, slander, and fruitcakery.

[edit] The Beliefs

David Icke has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a silver Illuminati pyramid lodged in his small intestine, just above his kidneys. David Icke believes that Prince Charles is an iguana. David Icke believes that he himself is the Cosmic Diamond of Truth. David Icke believes in monatomic gold. David Icke believes in crystal power, astrology, and eating the anal glands of civet cats for good health. David Icke believes that Mr T pities the fool.

According to his insanity majesty-of-conspiracy, Illuminati is a mainstay of reptilians from some planet or star or something called XinsenzilliamilliaBob. Oh, we’re really sorry, Uncyclopedia mistook that name with the one the SIBology guys talk about. He actually names the place they’re from as “Sirius 6 in the Aformsa galaxy.” Anyway, Icke believes that Illuminati doesn’t yet own the entire world, only the small software company, Opera. He maintains that Opera plans on terrorising Microsoft with hydrogen bombs as well as Opera singing until it succumbs and gives away the source code to Windows as well as all rights to the most-crashing OS, so Opera can take over the IT world and extort all non-Macintosh offices for billions of dollars. After this, Illuminati intends to reinstall the Y2K bug for all computers, even the thousand Apple Macs in the world, and change the bug so it implodes computers on December 21, 2012. Icke says the machines will actually explode and reduce the worlds population to 533 million people. The insidious plans then proceeds to kick off the New World Order where reptilians will be slaves for the poor, and crocodiles will be hunted again as Steve Irwin is resurrected and becomes the figurehead of the New World Religion.

Socrates once asked Agathon, “Since you produce crap, does that make you an asshole?”

Agathon answered, “We are like apple trees that drop turds instead of apples.”

David Icke believes that if he can produce enough crap he will be rich. Richer. Richest.
Icke claims vindication for his views from a number of indisputable facts:

  • That the royal family, George Bush, the Rothschild family and other wealthy people he claims are evil slobbering shapeshifting reptiles have not come forward for blood tests. He claims that Prince Charles uses his large ears as a communication device to communicate with his reptillian brethren on Sirius 6 in the Aformsa glaxy.
  • That no-one has tried to debunk Icke’s well-researched claims.
  • That everyone richer than he is an evil sex-obsessed reptile, hence being able to keep the public under their spell.

David Icke believes that all who do not believe in him and his message of “Infinite Love” are as follows:

  • “I couldn’t care less what they say because they are a bunch of irrelevant, self-indulgent navel-contemplators who are doing the Illuminati’s job for them by seeking to undermine any researcher who commits the crime of actually getting the information out to the mainstream public.”
  • “They are just cowards who hide behind log-in names to spew out their hatreds from their gutless anonymity. They have balls the size of processed peas and the word pathetic does not even begin to suffice.”
  • “Why should I, or anyone else, care what such people say about me or anyone? They are utterly irrelevant and they have made themselves so by their child-like and gutless behaviour.”

David Icke also believes that:

  • “I have already done more to inform the public worldwide, and change lives for the better, than most people will do if they live to be a thousand.”

[edit] The Problem

The problem is, you can hardly write a proper Uncyclopedia article about David Icke. He is already too preposterous.

The problem is David Icke and he is not the reaction. But someone, maybe David Icke, always goes on about Problem-Reaction-Solution. In reality, that is codespeak for the abbreviation PRS, which stands for Painful Rectal Syndrome. First, something becomes painful, then an ass or in the rectum, the painfulness reacts to create a syndrome, which you can complain about for the rest of your life until you become an old fart.

The problem: David Icke is clearly mad.

[edit] The Reaction

The reaction that David Icke found out about, is that O sometimes meets two H’s and in a bout of *censored* polygamist action creates the horrible substance H2O, which is a conspiracy by the Illuminati to make us all soft and mushy if the substance enters our live bodies. This is unless the reality of the theories of Masaru Emoto is applied to the H2O so it turns towards the positive vibrations of Love. In its initial state, H2O is negative by the godly powers of the Illuminati.

The Reaction: Only equally mental people entertain David Icke’s psychosis, the others just think that he’s mad.

[edit] The Final Solution

Someday, someone will pull David Icke’s finger. And with a sound like two cheeks clapping he will deflate, leaving only a faint odour of bullshit hanging around the edges of the paranormal huckster scene.

There are impressive, interesting frauds, and there are pathetic frauds. Somewhere, Aleister Crowley is laughing his arse off.

The Solution: Ignore David Icke’s madness or you may become mad, too.

[edit] Books

  • Fruitcakes and other assorted tea-time fancies. (2008)
  • The David Icke Guide To Life, The Universe and Everything(2007)
  • Godzilla is alright with me: The Lizards We CAN Trust! (2006)
  • Infinite Truth Is the Only Love: Every Illusion is something Else (2005)
  • Tales from the infinite Time Loop: The Most Comprehensive Expose of the Global Conspiracy Ever Written (until I write a better one)(2003)
  • Bin Laden in Wonderland (2002)
  • Children of The Matrix (2001)
  • So – You Think You’re Reptilain? (2001)
  • Big ears and no soul: Prince Charles and the Reptillian Endgame (2000)
  • Maybe your boss has scales (2000)
  • My Biggest Secret: That Time In The Elevator… It Was Me Who Farted (1999)
  • Oh My God! My Parents Are Lizards! (1998)
  • Reptiles Ate My Baby (1997)
  • And the Truth Shall Cost A Fee (1996)
  • OMG It’s Like Everyone In Teh World Is A Robot Except Me!!1 (1992)
  • It doesn’t have to pee like this (1990)
  • My completely normal autobiography about me. (No Lizards involved) (1989)

[edit] Music

  • Any bitchpunk with scales I’m sure to impale (2003, HipHop collaboration with 50 cent)
  • Fo Shizzle My Nizzle that Reptizzle had Scizzles, it owned the Bizzle and Contrizzled the Wizzle (2002, HipHop collaboraration with Ludicris and Nas.)

[edit] Videos

  • The Reptilian – A Gender Bender (2004)
  • David Icke – Secrets of The Matrix (Parts 1 -3)
  • David Icke: The Female Toad (2004)
  • David Icke: Darkness at the edge of town (2002)
  • David Icke: Revelations of Mother Goose (2001)
  • David Icke feat. Ozzy Osbourne, Live in Vancouver: From Prison to Paranoid

All released by Illuminati Productions


Posted in Idiots with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2008 by Tweak Jones


Posted in Idiots with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2008 by Tweak Jones

This is a blog I originally posted on my infowars profile about a David Icke crazed idiot named illuminazi:


Illuminazi always says he has sources and evidence for his claims but has anyone really pressed him to prove it?

Well I just did. Illuminazi claimed he had sources for his belief but in spite of my asking him to reveal these sources for nearly 3 hours he refused to.He also tryed to use several tricks to discredit me such as acusing me of playing a game and noning his sources all along among other things.These tricks no doubt are taught to government paid disinformation agents,I dont have sources for that that we call an assumption illuminazi.

Heres the thing I was calling into question his credibility.Logicly he would have posted his “sources” realatively soon to prove me wrong and to thus keep what little credibility he already had but he did not.This can lead to only two conclusions,he is a Disinfo agent or he is a fucking liar who need to learn to shut up when he doesint have a clue.You deside.

Below is the complete conversation which you can also read on the group “Free Tibet down with the red commie scum”,Please note  that this conversation was on and off for three hours and in that time  he did not once give any sources.



illuminazi:tweak, you obviously have mental issues. go take it up with someone else, I’m bored.

Tweak:So rather then prove me wrong and vindicate yourself you would rather give a half answer and leave it at that? Wow thats weak,so sad you cant admit you dont have anything.

illuminazi:you can figure it out.

illuminazi:I believe I told you where to get my sources long ago…my blogs and groups.

Tweak:Hilarious you continue not to reveal your “source”.

illuminazi:are you still mad about the Staged Crucifixion group?

Tweak:But hey no matter what you do you have given me quite a nice body of post to use in a blog about your constant assertion that you have evidence for your beliefs.Thanks!!!

Tweak:I have asked you several times politely. Frankly there is no logical reason for you not to reveal your sources considering I am calling into question your whole notion of “having evidence” for all the shit you pull out of your ass and post on this site. Every minute you do not post your “sources” My argument that you are a liar and a disinfo agent becomes stronger and it been well over 100 minutes.
Again anyone can go through all these posts and know I speak the truth here.

illuminazi:say please.

Tweak:Must we continue this dance? Why not admit you have no sourses and end it?Or you could just shut you fucking lieing mouth,either ways fine! But again post the sources you have for the belief that the Dalai Lama is NWO as you aserted earlier.
Again I ask anyone reading this to go back and note how longI have been asking and not recieving these sources illuminazi clams to have.

illuminazi:what would you like to know exactly tweak?

Tweak:You have not mentioned one source and anyone can look through the posts. It is rather sad that to cover your own ass you would accuse me of playing a game. The only game being played here is called “Tell everyone you have sources and then hope no one notices that you lied”.Its loads of fun.

Illuminazi:you know my sources, boy. quit playing games.


ENDisNIGH:This is also one of the few things I must say that I agree with Illuminazi on. The Dali Lama is diabolical.

Tweak:This is the first Ive heard of that and after pressing you for over 30 minutes I some how doubt it to be true.Why not present them here and prove me wrong?

illuminazi:whats funny is that I am typing to you after your behavior the past 2 days and talkin shit for over a month. my sources are within the information in my blogs and groups.

tweak:Its funny that you are critizing my posts tone while Im mearly asking you to present your sources. Quit staling,either present your sources or admit you dont have any.

illuminazi:don’t like that one either I’m afraid…too much arrogance. try again.

Tweak:I am asking you for these mythical “sources” you claim to have. Present them.

illuminazi:I just don’t like how you asked me, period.

tweak:Notice how when you press an agent of disinfo for evidence they can not but instead turn to character assasination.

illuminazi:I have EVIDENCE that tweak is a hermaphrodite. Please look in my blogs and groups.

tweak:Who are these credible sources? That would be a second hand kind of evidence which is not exactly trust worthy but its better then the nothing you have presented here.

illuminazi:never said I had “evidence” that the Dali Lama was NWO, I said I learned it from credible people/sources…. the sources that you call hoaxes and liars without researching. so quit talkin already ya pimply ass punk. lol. you are such an annoying little nerd.

Tweak:Show us your evidence please,or you should shut the fuck up.

Tweak:Interesting but I wouldint call that evidence. If you actually have any evidence Im sure others,not me according to you,would fined it useful.

illuminazi:why so you can disagree with it and call it a hoax like an annoying jackass… you’re an idiot! yesterday you told everyone to eat as many soy products as possible, trying to poison your fellow humans because you hate yourself? You remind me of Adolf Hitler you little crybaby.

Tweak:So why have you not posted your “evidence”? Is it because you dont have any?

Illuminazi:____, ___.

Tweak:Either Post your evidence or shut the fuck up.Thanks.

Illuminazi:for you personally, yes. for anyone else that would like to know, no.

tweak:Would that be your evidence then?

Illuminazi:eat a bowl of dick.

Tweak:Show use your evidence then instead of endlessly post “seemingly” crazy BS all the time.

Illuminazi: it is not my opinion that he(The Dalai Lama) is NWO, it is what I learned from research and credible sources that don’t mess around. people tend to think I am going around spreading information that I conjured up in my head or something. if I didn’t know this information my opinion would be that he is a nice guy, from the looks of him… and my opinion would be incorrect.


Posted in Idiots with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2008 by Tweak Jones
January 18, 2005

Without my permission, David Icke has appropriated for his website my L.A. Weekly article on Mike Chertoff. As a result, my blog has been inundated with hundreds of visits from Icke’s readers (an alarming 720 so far)–including David Duke, the Louisiana racist, who e-mailed me today, and who is apparently laboring under the misapprehension that I must have some sympathy with the views he shares with Icke. I have e-mailed Icke demanding that he withdraw my article from his website. Here’s why:

Icke_ii David Icke (photo left, on the cover of one of his books) is a dangerous madman. A thorough expose of Icke and of the malign brand of New Age racialist fascism he peddles is to be found on Public Eye, the website of the very reliable Political Research Associates (it is funded by the U.S. labor movement and foundations), and which–under the tutelage of the excellent Chip Berlet–monitors extremist, racist, anti-democratic, violent, and cult-like sects and movements. Here is an excerpt from their profile of Icke:

“On the face of it, few people would credit a retired soccer player who rants about a world takeover by blood-drinking lizards from outer space as being much of a threat to democracy. And as a general rule, they would probably be right.

“David Icke, however, is an exception to that rule.

“Icke, 48, is a native of Leicester, England. For five years he played professionally for the Coventry City and Hereford United soccer teams until forced to retire by arthritis. He subsequently went on to become a sports announcer for BBC-TV. For three years from 1988 to 1991 he was national spokesperson for the British Green Party, until he began a political evolution that was to begin with his expulsion from the Greens and wind up with his current involvement with anti-Semitism, neofascism, and lizards from Mars.1

“At first this evolution seemed relatively harmless. Icke began to flirt seriously with New Age theories, and then began to act on them. He dressed in turquoise, and began to call himself the ‘son of godhead’. But by the time his book ‘The Robot’s Rebellion’ was printed in 1994, his trajectory had begun to take quite a different course. In 1996, the British magazine ‘Left Green Perspectives’ wrote that this book ‘indicated a convergence of New Age thinking with Nazi philosophy. Casting aside his pat concerns about the environment, Icke enthusiastically embraced the classic Nazi conspiracy theory, alleging that the world is controlled by a secret cadre of ‘The Elite.’ He openly endorsed The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the Tsarist anti-Semitic forgery that informed Hitler’s notion of a global Jewish conspiracy.’

“The following year Icke brought out another book, ‘..and the truth shall set you free.’ This one, however, was self-published, as its content was so objectionable that his publisher refused to have it printed. And small wonder. The book repeated Icke’s previous claims that the Protocols were true, and went on to state: ‘I strongly believe that a small Jewish clique which has contempt for the mass of Jewish people worked with non-Jews to create the First World War, the Russian Revolution, and the Second World War….They then dominated the Versailles Peace Conference and created the circumstances which made the Second World War inevitable. They financed Hitler to power in 1933 and made the funds available for his rearmament.’

“In this book, Icke went even further. He began to flirt explicitly with Holocaust denial, saying ‘why do we play a part in suppressing alternative information to the official line of the Second World War? How is it right that while this fierce suppression goes on, free copies of the Spielberg film, Schindler’s List, are given to schools to indoctrinate children with the unchallenged version of events. And why do we, who say we oppose tyranny and demand freedom of speech, allow people to go to prison and be vilified, and magazines to be closed down on the spot, for suggesting another version of history.’ He also denounced the Nuremberg Trials as ‘a farce’ and ‘a calculated exercise in revenge and manipulation.’ ”

There’s a great deal more to Public Eye’s carefully documented profile of Icke and his networks and book distributors, which are apparently successful in sucking into his orbit a goodly number of incautious New Agers and fans of his pseudo-leftist imprecations who bloody well ought to know better. And my own paper, the L.A. Weekly, has also exposed one corner of Icke’s feverish, brown-shirted brain–mad theories about 9/11.

I want to make it clear that I completely disassociate myself from Icke’s misappropriation of my work for his nefarious purposes, and want nothing to do with him or with his fans. I warn his disciples that you’re wasting your time if you continue to try to post comments on this blog that echo Icke’s obscene drivel–because I will remove them to the garbage bin as soon as they are received. Read the entire Public Eye profile of Icke by clicking here.

Posted by Doug Ireland at 03:25 AM | Permalink

Originally posted by clive
I too was interested in David Icke and had put some of his info on this forum. But now I’m not to sure about him. An ATS friend sent me some info which I’ll post here for you..

By Thomas Anderson.

To filter out true information through disinformation and junk is far from being an easy task. Every statement made by David Icke should be critically analyzed trying to find out what are his true references. He does not mention the worthy sources of this information while he does not forget to mention other books filled with inconsistencies and lies.

As for the Illuminati, I do not know accurately what it refers to. This reality of the Illuminati may be both true and false. It is true in the sense that there is an elite manipulating the world with its own hidden agenda within secret societies and secretive groups. The false part is the way they are depicted in most conspiracy books. The Illuminati conspiracy theories are mostly disinformation spread out by the agents of this very same elite.

Let me take an example. When Donald Rumsfeld chooses what is regarded as the Illuminati logotype for his new IAO agency, he uses the Illuminati symbolism in order to discard those who will criticize the purpose of this agency and its data-mining project. His idea they will put forward inconsistent arguments that spoon-feeders have spread out with Illuminati theories.…

In a sense, acting this way, Donald Rumsfeld is and regards himself as a member of the Illuminati. He manipulates the opinions. He acts as an “enlightened”, but in the same times uses the conspiracy lies as a cover-up. He knows that intellectuals do not believe in conspiracy theories, as they are developed in popular, manipulative disinformation books. If someone criticizes his project or the logotype, he will tax him a stupid paranoid believing in “conspiracy nuts” (reptilians). He does indeed. He makes fools of his detractors. Just read the arguments opposed to them at the Center for Security Policy (one of the organizations he belongs to). Also note the use of the flaming torch symbol referred to by Icke as the “brotherhood” symbol.…

It is of the highest cynicism. Illuminati (or the establishment) have themselves written the false stories talking about them. The very concept of Illuminati is intended to spread out disinformation. The concept in itself is not totally false because in a way these manipulative wealthy people belonging to the ruling overclass correspond to the definition given to the term Illuminati.

As for Icke’s reptilian stories, it is inspired from the belief of the old ruling aristocratic class of being of from a special blood, the old racist idea (Gobineau) that Nordics belong to a superior race. Note that he sometimes uses the term “reptilian” in association with the more orthodox “Aryan” one. This should remind you of something. I would tend to believe that Rumsfeld and Icke work for the same hidden agenda.


posted on 20-8-2006 @ 06:48 PM

I have a few issues myself with Mr. Icke He is a prolific writer and researcher. and he should get his credit for that. You MUST double check his facts when reading because he has a tendency for wholly false statements. I take him for what he’s worth. People interested in these things have learned more than they care to admit from him. That being said I think he isn’t functioning properly.

I do think his past that you mention does play a significant role. He describes his father as vehemently anti-religion , I think his research led him to a place that human greed or human quest for power wasn’t sufficient to explain certin motives, and his dogma wouldn’t permit him to declare it evil for the sake of evil, and it forced him to sacrifice his integrity through shady references and blatant lies to ‘prove’ his preconceived model. Now enter in his success and general cult worship status given to him by some. And he falls into the same old snare of pride and ego rendering another good man useless. I don’t think he was initially a tool for the system but. He could have been recruited without knowing it. As I am fond of saying, Sometimes telling truths can be part of the biggest lies.
there is the possibility of course that I am wrong on all counts