David Icke entry from Uncyclopedia

David Icke

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David Godzilla Icke, to whom evidence is nothing more than a foreign word, is a well respected former footballer, member of the Green Party, philosopher and award-winning stunt skateboarder whose widely-accepted theories have enlightened mankind to throw off the shackles placed on us by our shapeshifting reptilian overlords. It is noted that his name, appearance and beliefs bear more than a passing resemblance to David Duke. Also a closet Joo.

David Icke should not be confused with The Real David Icke.

What David Icke really does look like? - Nobody knows. Maybe he doesn't exist.

What David Icke really does look like? – Nobody knows. Maybe he doesn’t exist.

Contents

[hide]

[edit] The Man: The Genius, The Schmenius, The Shitfaced Cockamaster

[edit] Biography

David Icke
David Icke. What must be said, what can be omitted?
David Icke

Born at 6:15 PM on April 29th, 1952, in Leicester, England. Desperately poor, quit school to become a soccer player. Washed out of soccer due to frailty, sexual inadequacy and inability to take the ‘punishment’. Blames it on bad knees. “Mad Davey” as he is affectionately known to fans, then embarked on a serries of careers: tv presenter, politician, green hippy, author, model for turquoise clothes, laughing stock and eventually new age guru.

  • Father: fake moustache salesman, not very successful. A self-hating half reptile in denial.
  • Mother: only lesbian walrus in Leicester to become pregnant without a turkey baster. Also, his father’s niece.
  • Twin brother: eaten alive by David before birth.

What cannot be left unsaid about David Icke?


Prophet Icke channeling a Higher Power. (Bad image, will try to upload again later--OEJ.)

Prophet Icke channeling a Higher Power. (Bad image, will try to upload again later–OEJ.)

His own words: “As I looked at the mound, a voice in my head began to say: ‘Come to me, come to me, come to me.'”

More of it: “Only by breaking free from the shackles of {sanity} could I now be going around the world talking about shape-shifting reptilians occupying the positions of global power.”

Monumentally abused: “I have taken 20 years of monumental abuse and misrepresentation on a scale that few have ever experienced. So what is said about me by anonymous goons on websites is like a fly on an elephant’s back – irrelevant to me. But if others who are targets of this vicious abuse want to take legal action in response, that is entirely up to them.”

Voices in the head, mistaken for reality and then mixed into a dreadful skakny porridge of calumny, slander, and fruitcakery.

[edit] The Beliefs

David Icke has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a silver Illuminati pyramid lodged in his small intestine, just above his kidneys. David Icke believes that Prince Charles is an iguana. David Icke believes that he himself is the Cosmic Diamond of Truth. David Icke believes in monatomic gold. David Icke believes in crystal power, astrology, and eating the anal glands of civet cats for good health. David Icke believes that Mr T pities the fool.

According to his insanity majesty-of-conspiracy, Illuminati is a mainstay of reptilians from some planet or star or something called XinsenzilliamilliaBob. Oh, we’re really sorry, Uncyclopedia mistook that name with the one the SIBology guys talk about. He actually names the place they’re from as “Sirius 6 in the Aformsa galaxy.” Anyway, Icke believes that Illuminati doesn’t yet own the entire world, only the small software company, Opera. He maintains that Opera plans on terrorising Microsoft with hydrogen bombs as well as Opera singing until it succumbs and gives away the source code to Windows as well as all rights to the most-crashing OS, so Opera can take over the IT world and extort all non-Macintosh offices for billions of dollars. After this, Illuminati intends to reinstall the Y2K bug for all computers, even the thousand Apple Macs in the world, and change the bug so it implodes computers on December 21, 2012. Icke says the machines will actually explode and reduce the worlds population to 533 million people. The insidious plans then proceeds to kick off the New World Order where reptilians will be slaves for the poor, and crocodiles will be hunted again as Steve Irwin is resurrected and becomes the figurehead of the New World Religion.

Socrates once asked Agathon, “Since you produce crap, does that make you an asshole?”

Agathon answered, “We are like apple trees that drop turds instead of apples.”

David Icke believes that if he can produce enough crap he will be rich. Richer. Richest.
Icke claims vindication for his views from a number of indisputable facts:

  • That the royal family, George Bush, the Rothschild family and other wealthy people he claims are evil slobbering shapeshifting reptiles have not come forward for blood tests. He claims that Prince Charles uses his large ears as a communication device to communicate with his reptillian brethren on Sirius 6 in the Aformsa glaxy.
  • That no-one has tried to debunk Icke’s well-researched claims.
  • That everyone richer than he is an evil sex-obsessed reptile, hence being able to keep the public under their spell.

David Icke believes that all who do not believe in him and his message of “Infinite Love” are as follows:

  • “I couldn’t care less what they say because they are a bunch of irrelevant, self-indulgent navel-contemplators who are doing the Illuminati’s job for them by seeking to undermine any researcher who commits the crime of actually getting the information out to the mainstream public.”
  • “They are just cowards who hide behind log-in names to spew out their hatreds from their gutless anonymity. They have balls the size of processed peas and the word pathetic does not even begin to suffice.”
  • “Why should I, or anyone else, care what such people say about me or anyone? They are utterly irrelevant and they have made themselves so by their child-like and gutless behaviour.”

David Icke also believes that:

  • “I have already done more to inform the public worldwide, and change lives for the better, than most people will do if they live to be a thousand.”

[edit] The Problem

The problem is, you can hardly write a proper Uncyclopedia article about David Icke. He is already too preposterous.

The problem is David Icke and he is not the reaction. But someone, maybe David Icke, always goes on about Problem-Reaction-Solution. In reality, that is codespeak for the abbreviation PRS, which stands for Painful Rectal Syndrome. First, something becomes painful, then an ass or in the rectum, the painfulness reacts to create a syndrome, which you can complain about for the rest of your life until you become an old fart.

The problem: David Icke is clearly mad.

[edit] The Reaction

The reaction that David Icke found out about, is that O sometimes meets two H’s and in a bout of *censored* polygamist action creates the horrible substance H2O, which is a conspiracy by the Illuminati to make us all soft and mushy if the substance enters our live bodies. This is unless the reality of the theories of Masaru Emoto is applied to the H2O so it turns towards the positive vibrations of Love. In its initial state, H2O is negative by the godly powers of the Illuminati.

The Reaction: Only equally mental people entertain David Icke’s psychosis, the others just think that he’s mad.

[edit] The Final Solution

Someday, someone will pull David Icke’s finger. And with a sound like two cheeks clapping he will deflate, leaving only a faint odour of bullshit hanging around the edges of the paranormal huckster scene.

There are impressive, interesting frauds, and there are pathetic frauds. Somewhere, Aleister Crowley is laughing his arse off.

The Solution: Ignore David Icke’s madness or you may become mad, too.

[edit] Books

  • Fruitcakes and other assorted tea-time fancies. (2008)
  • The David Icke Guide To Life, The Universe and Everything(2007)
  • Godzilla is alright with me: The Lizards We CAN Trust! (2006)
  • Infinite Truth Is the Only Love: Every Illusion is something Else (2005)
  • Tales from the infinite Time Loop: The Most Comprehensive Expose of the Global Conspiracy Ever Written (until I write a better one)(2003)
  • Bin Laden in Wonderland (2002)
  • Children of The Matrix (2001)
  • So – You Think You’re Reptilain? (2001)
  • Big ears and no soul: Prince Charles and the Reptillian Endgame (2000)
  • Maybe your boss has scales (2000)
  • My Biggest Secret: That Time In The Elevator… It Was Me Who Farted (1999)
  • Oh My God! My Parents Are Lizards! (1998)
  • Reptiles Ate My Baby (1997)
  • And the Truth Shall Cost A Fee (1996)
  • OMG It’s Like Everyone In Teh World Is A Robot Except Me!!1 (1992)
  • It doesn’t have to pee like this (1990)
  • My completely normal autobiography about me. (No Lizards involved) (1989)

[edit] Music

  • Any bitchpunk with scales I’m sure to impale (2003, HipHop collaboration with 50 cent)
  • Fo Shizzle My Nizzle that Reptizzle had Scizzles, it owned the Bizzle and Contrizzled the Wizzle (2002, HipHop collaboraration with Ludicris and Nas.)

[edit] Videos

  • The Reptilian – A Gender Bender (2004)
  • David Icke – Secrets of The Matrix (Parts 1 -3)
  • David Icke: The Female Toad (2004)
  • David Icke: Darkness at the edge of town (2002)
  • David Icke: Revelations of Mother Goose (2001)
  • David Icke feat. Ozzy Osbourne, Live in Vancouver: From Prison to Paranoid

All released by Illuminati Productions

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